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Dating in the twenty-first century demands a great number of skills from any woman—not only do you have to worry about STDs, wrathful ex-girlfriends who might boil up your pet BunBun, and whether or not he's financially solvent, there's always the worry that the handsome, debonair guy you met in a dark, smoky dance club might just be a vampire. Luckily, Joy Randall and Allegra Telford, the heroines of A Girl's Guide to Vampires, and Sex and the Single Vampire, are here to help you!

Joy and Allegra have put their heads together to provide you with a sure-fire test to determine if your guy du jour is solid and trustworthy, someone you should dump quicker than a bowl of chicken entrails, or if he's waited fourteen lifetimes just for you to make him complete.

1. What's his idea of really wild bunny sex?


1. Anything involving a digital video camera and hip-waders.


2. You pretending to be Mistress Cruella.


3. Lovemaking that leaves teeth marks...on both of you.


2. How long does it take him to return your calls?


1. Never. He hasn't figured out how to operate his answering machine.


2. Within a few hours, usually with an apology for the delay.


3. The second you think his name, he merges himself into your consciousness.


3. What sort of pick-up line did he use on you?


1. "You look really hot in that dress. How about I lick the sweat off?"


2. "I haven't been able to stop admiring you since you walked into the room. I'd love to spend time getting to know you."


3. "You intrigue me. You captivate me. You are the very air in my lungs, my heart, my soul. Allow me to worship you for an eternity or two."


4. Fill in the blank: If my man was an animal, he'd be a ____________________.


1. Sloth. He is slow, has squinty eyes, and only three fingers on each hand.


2. A Labrador Retriever. He's dependable, good with kids, and housebroken.


3. A black panther. He is well-muscled but sleek, sensitive and sensual, and has sharp, pointy teeth.


5. Will he be faithful to you?


1. Doubtful. He tried to get busy with the vacuum cleaner once when you were gone to visit your mother.


2. Likely. You have to pick out his clothing for him.


3. Absolutely. His soul is bound to yours in a way that makes him nigh on frantic if you so much as get a paper cut.


6. When you first met him, what movie star did he most resemble?


1. Jim Varney. 'Nuff said.


2. Tom Hanks. Warm, sweet, and friendly.


3. Viggo Mortensen. Quietly intense, with an air of intrigue that seduced you into investigating the mystery in his eyes.


7. What's the wickedest thing he's ever done?


1. Took a leak on the manager of the bank he'd just robbed.


2. Said "damn!" in front of your mother.


3. Killed people. But it was during the Crusades, and they were very, very bad.


8. Has he ever flirted with anyone else in front of you?


1. Not only has he flirted, he stripped naked and propositioned the entire Lake View High School Cheerleading Squad during their annual car wash fundraiser.


2. No, but his eyes bugged out and he almost choked on his own tongue when the Lake View High School Cheerleading Squad donned their bikinis to wash his SUV.


3. Are you kidding? He can't stop murmuring dark, seductive sweet nothings—in Italian—long enough to notice other people, let alone flirt with them.


9. Has he ever lied to you?


1. Does HBO cancel shows just when they get good? Yes, the answer is yes!


2. No. At least...no. I'm sure he really was abducted by aliens that night he came home smelling like a perfume counter. Not to mention the lube stains...


3. He might, but only in a misguided attempt to protect me. Silly man, doesn't he realize that I am not a frail delicate little thing who he must protect at all cost?


10. Guesstimate the number of females he's known intimately other than you.


1. Can I include sheep?


2. Seven. He had a couple of girlfriends before me, but never married any of them.


3. Let's see...five, carry over the three...um...shoot, I lost track of the decimal point. I think I need a calculator to figure out how many women he's sinked fang into over the centuries. Oh, wait, you mean sex! That's easy—any flings in his past were meaningless and shallow, simply a physical outlet he used while he waited for me to be born and fill his life with love, happiness, and mind-numbingly fabulous sex.